Hypo Averted.

Well, that was an interesting experience. I'm new to this bipolar thing and even newer to monitoring myself to assess where I'm at so a recent experience was a steep learning curve.

It all started with a documentary on a topic that I'm really interested in, so I got very excited about it. To add to the excitement, some people I know appeared in the documentary, so that made it extra exciting! It wasn't until about 2am the next morning when I was too excited to relax and sleep  that I realised that I had tipped over from excited to kind of hypomanic. The next day at work was unpleasant as I'd ended up only getting four hours sleep. I was 'buzzy' and irritable and knew I had to do something, so that night I raised the doses of my meds, and took enough to knock me out by 8pm. I've been on the higher dose for 12 days now and seem to be evening out so I might start reducing back to maintenance dose in a day or two.

At a visit to my psychiatrist six days after this started I told him what had happened, and what I had done. He said I had done the right thing with my meds. Go me! Maybe I'm getting this thing figured out after all!

So for this time at least, the score is Me: 1, Bipolar: 0 and I'm going to celebrate this small victory.

All that it takes

I don't know about other mental illnesses, but bipolar is so exhausting. For me, the most exhausting thing about it is all the pretending. Pretending I'm OK, pretending everything is fine, pretending I am living a normal life. On top of the pretending is the surviving. Just getting through each day so I can go home, retreat mentally and gather my strength for the next day. And if its not the bipolar doing it, its the meds.

I'd like to have an active life. I'd like to swap my flat shoes for heals, pop on some make up and dash out to dinner after work now and then. Weekends away would be nice too, but I. just. can't. I'm too tired.

I'd like to go bush walking, or mountain bike riding, or dancing the night away. There is so much I'd like to do but if I achieved even half of it, I'd know I was hypomanic.

And if its not the disorder inhibiting life, it's the meds!

Bipolar. Its exhausting.

The Weight of Bipolar

I had an extended appointment with the Practice Nurse at my Doctor's rooms today to put together a health care plan. You see, I've been so (mentally) ill over the past few years I haven't been able to take care of myself properly. I'm significantly overweight with a BMI of 37, unfit and my cholesterol is bad. You might wonder how this happened, it's not so hard to eat well and do some regular excercise right?  Wrong.

When you are so ill that it takes everything you have to simply survive each day, preparing a meal is a massive undertaking. Meat and three veg or a simple stir fry takes a few steps to prepare. Then there is the dishes that cooking creates. Put all that together and it's just too much. I don't mean too much work, I mean too many thoughts to string together to get it done. When you are having so much trouble thinking straight, putting even a few small steps together is near impossible and so is thinking up something healthy to eat that is simple to prepare. The other issue is the depression and the constant feeling I can only describe as a dull 'craziness'  that kept me confined to bed or the sofa. Exercise doesn't even make the priority list when you can barely move because your body feels like lead, and you feel too crazy to leave the house unless absolutely necessary.

It amazes me in hindsight now that I am (hopefully) recovering, how difficult simple things like self care are when you are ill. I know there were days when I had to venture out to the shops and I must have looked mentally ill. I know that might not be politically correct to say, but what I mean is that my personal grooming wasn't good and I was just holding on to sanity by a thread, fearing I would lose my grip at any moment. That showed outwardly I'm sure. I know that mental illness is not always visible and many people living with mental illness live successful lives. I'm simply referring to my own recent experiences.

So anyway, today I felt like I failed at life. I sat down with someone to make a plan for doing what most people can do naturally; look after their health. I know it's a positive that I am well enough to take this step, but I still feel a sense of failure about it all.

Stepping Out

So here I am, prompted by a sad and lonely weekend, stepping out into the cyber world as a person with bipolar. I've felt particularly alone and lonely this weekend and I can't quite put my finger on why. I'm usually quite content being alone, even though I know it's not much good for me. Most of the time I have no choice in the matter, I don't really have any family and the handful of friends I have are dealing with mental health issues as well so when the weekend comes around it's usually surviving, recovering from the week and preparing for the next one, rather than socialising on everyone's mind.

I've never been good with making or keeping friends. I've just never understood why people would want to spend time with me. I feel awkward in social situations and it probably shows. Now that I'm taking bipolar meds I'm kinda flat and a bit grumpy too so that doesn't help either.

So that's what stands out today about life with bipolar. I feel very sad and alone.